So it's killer to be alone. I mean it. I know that the Savior is with me. Either beside me or carrying me(which I do believe he's been doing for a LONG time). Usually, that helps alot when I feel down. Then again, sometimes it doesn't. Kinda like today and yesterday. I was working and was helping one of my favorite residents with his ADL's or daily living activities. He is always talking about his wife who died about 5 years ago. He knows she's gone. He just loves to talk about how wonderful they were together. How they laughed together and knew that as long as they had their faith, health and humor, their life was good. I love hearing him talk about her. He truly and deeply loved her and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way about him. Last night, as he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and as I was listening to him in a chair out of his sight, I was crying silently. How badly I want a love like that. My marriage was never like that. Not that Scott and I didn't love each other but all in all, our marriage was terrible. We had good moments from time to time but those were few and far between. Laughter is a huge part of my life and I wanna be able to laugh with a man that I love all the time. I don't know if I'll ever find that. I'm so scarred. In the church, if you are divorced and have kids and are a woman, it's hard to find someone who will not only take you but all that you have. Not saying the church judges at all but men in the church usually want a woman who hasn't had kids yet and preferably hasn't been divorced. My heart as been so broken these past few days. Thankfully, I have my beautiful boys to help me feel better but everything else seems to be crashing down. Barely making it by, working till I collapse, don't see my children every night anymore and on top of it all, no one to help comfort me by holding me close and telling me they love me and will be there to help me through it all. That's my post today. Hopefully the next time I type, life will be a bit calmer or that I feel a bit stronger.
2 comments:
Sorry for your rough days, Leah. It will get better, I promise. The Atonement is such a beautiful gift and it will make all the difference. I know at times that seems like little solace. If only my oldest was active, I'd send him your way in a hurry!
lol Thnx Kerry:) I can't wait till I finally feel whole again.
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